Intuitive Angels Blog
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder is a phrase that has received lots of media attention over the last ten years. It’s something that most people associate with soldiers in combat, but it can also affect anyone who has suffered trauma, be it physical, emotional or a combination of the two.
As defined by Webster’s Dictionary, PTSD is: a psychological reaction occurring after experiencing a highly stressing event (such as wartime combat, physical violence, or a natural disaster) that is usually characterized by depression, anxiety, flashbacks, recurrent nightmares, and avoidance of reminders of the event.
To me, that’s a wonderful scientific summary of the disorder, but it barely scratches the surface of what it’s like for someone who has it. I use these words from my own experience and hope to share with you what it’s like for me so that you may perhaps hold a new perception of those also diagnosed with this waking nightmare.
The flashbacks, for me, aren’t every day anymore and for this I am grateful. There have been times in my life when I’ve endured those triggers daily, weekly, or monthly. I never have warning when one is going to come on. There’s no chest tightening, like a panic attack. No nausea comes forward like you feel when you’re about to wretch. It’s just instantaneous. It’s going from being in a peaceful space to suddenly the rug has been ripped out from underneath my feet and I’m hanging by my fingernails on the side of a cliff somewhere. I go into full on fight or flight and survival mode. I react both mentally, emotionally, and physically as if I am back in that exact moment in time. Somewhere in my brain, I believe I am back in that moment and I am unable to distinguish what is now and what was then.
My first flashback happened in my mid-thirties when I had an ovarian cyst rupture. The physical pain was intense and in the moment of that searing, misery of being doubled over, unable to speak, I was transported in my mind somewhere else. I could clearly see the bathroom in my childhood home. I saw myself in the tub. I saw my uncle on his knees next to the tub, placing his hand in the water, splashing at me. I then saw him take the bar of soap and begin to push it inside me. I will spare you all the in between details, but this was the first time this man molested me. The attacks continued till I was about 8 or 9 years old.
What’s different, for me, between a flashback and a memory recall, is that there is no time and space in between the flashback. When I recall a memory, I am aware of the now and the recollection. During a flashback, the moment of now disappears and my past becomes my current reality. During my first flashback, I could feel the warmth of the water, of the heat lamp in the bathroom. I saw the color of the washcloths and towels hanging on the rods. I saw how much of the Ivory soap bar had been used, the color of my uncle’s shirt, and the look in his eyes. And the pain. I felt that same, searing pain inside me just like what the ovarian cyst rupturing felt like. I was three years old.
As I laid on the bed in the emergency room screaming and writhing in physical pain, no one knew the images going on in the mind. I didn’t even know what was happening. I had suppressed these memories as my brain couldn’t deal with them at the time. As time passed, more and more flashbacks emerged. And with each one, as I questioned members of my family who did not witness these events, but were there before and after, I received confirmations of details I remembered. The puzzle pieces began to fit. Depression, anxiety, unworthiness all set in. I began therapy to deal with life.
Five years ago, my father had a tragic accident that led to his death three days after the fall. I witnessed it and there was nothing I could do to stop it as it happened so quickly. After sailing through the air over four steps, he landed head first, on his side, on the concrete sidewalk in the backyard. I will never forget the sound of his skull hitting the pavement, the moans that didn’t sound human coming from him, and how my cell phone had no range to call 911. After the accident and his death, I would awaken to nightmares where the whole scene was slowed down, frame by frame, moment to moment. I was helpless. I stopped sleeping through the night. I blamed myself. The guilt was intolerable.
Four years go by, and I was doing better. The triggers were not on a regular basis anymore. I had come to peace with the trauma. I had forgiven myself, or so I thought. Amid watching a movie with my family, a scene came on that showed the major character having a terrible fall, head first onto the concrete. The noise in the film was exactly like what I’d heard the day of my father’s accident.
I froze and then my whole body began to shake. I broke out in a sweat. I started to cry and those cries turned into wailing and me rocking back and forth. In my mind, here came the whole scene again from that very day – the smile on Dad’s face, him raising his arm up to throw something in the trash can downstairs, outside, him flying through the air, the impact, the gurgling, the panic. The loop played over and over in my mind. I couldn’t stop it. I felt the hot Summer sun on me, I heard his moans and then silence, I felt the buttons on my cellphone being pushed and not able to get through, knowing I would have to leave him alone to call from inside. I watched parts of him leave that day. Not only was I reacting physically but I was emotionally feeling everything all over again just exactly as I had that day. It took about 20 minutes to come out of that. I wasn’t able to speak. I thank God my husband was there to hold me through it.
Therapy had helped me manage this disorder. Meditation, prayer, faith, and energy work have assisted me in living a better life than what I once lived. I am still affected. I still have triggers. I can do my best to stay away from the obvious ones, but I don’t know what’s waiting for me around the corner.
I explain this today, not for pity or for people to feel sorry for me. I believe that knowledge is power. I believe that bringing things up to the surface to see the light of day is important. I often wonder if those that came before me had been forthright about their own emotional pain and sought help, would I have suffered as much? Who knows what my uncle endured as a child or what abuse was done to him. What may have happened if he spoke out?
We are all affected by trauma in some form, whether it is first hand or by the connection to those who suffer it’s after effects. It’s not a sin to have emotional scarring and it’s certainly nothing to be ashamed about. No one chooses trauma. Trauma happens.
If you or someone you know is having emotional difficulty, reach out. I don’t know where I’d be without the help I’ve received from professionals and from my family and friends.
Finding the Peace of Surrender
Surrender is a place of release and trust. It’s the place where faith is born. Coming to that place of surrender is not necessarily an easy journey to make, and yet much healing and great rewards can be found in that space.
Surrender doesn’t mean you don’t care or that you’re not worried. It means that you’ve chosen to focus your power and intent on a higher consciousness and trust that Creator has your back and will birth an outcome that is for the highest, greatest good.
Think of the time you spend worrying about things. We can truly ‘what if’ ourselves into a knotted ball of stress and agony which doesn’t exactly assist in making a positive outcome. And if an outcome is less than desired, we’ve exhausted ourselves through worry and it is more difficult to cope with the situation entirely.
The truth is, we only have control over our emotions, our actions, and our reactions. We can add our energy and intention into manifesting wonderful miracles, but we cannot control the outcome for others, nor their actions. This does not render us powerless. It beckons to us to take a different tact and to rise above the pain into a state of surrender.
What weighs on your mind today? What heaviness resides in your heart? Take a moment, no matter how brief a time, to focus your energy on these things. See them within your mind’s eye. Wrap them in a bundle of light and imagine handing them over to Creator. Allow this Higher Consciousness to take them from your grasp. Let go, and let God. Don’t focus on what Creator will do with your burdens or how they will be sorted out. Surrender. Have faith. Trust. As you do so, your vibration will rise and you will see things in a new light and through a different perspective.
Repeat this exercise often. Learning to let go and Surrender is a process. Many of us have been programmed to be control freaks so loosening the reins can feel foreign at first. Like anything else, the more you do it, the easier it will become.
There is peace in surrender. Allow your heart and your soul the gift of this experience. You will be so grateful that you did.
Today marks one year that I have been CANCER FREE! One year ago I underwent major surgery to remove a literal monster from my body. Thankfully, I listened to my intuition, my body and a dear soul to get the help and assistance I needed. I share with you what I wrote last year following my surgery. I hope it inspires you to follow through with what you feel about your health and to always remember to listen within:
As I move through this process of recovery I get asked a lot of questions. One of the most prominent questions people ask is, “Did you know you had cancer? What kinds of signs did you get?”
That’s a BIG loaded question with many facets to the answer.
I started having symptoms for over a year prior to the diagnosis. With each month, pains and other physical issues became more apparent. I tried to push them away and blame them on my age, my work or other things to make my feel better, but I always had an underlying, nagging feeling that something was wrong. Having lost my fathers to cancer, I just viewed my instincts as being paranoid when my mind came to thoughts that cancer may be causing my experiences.
By August of 2015, I couldn’t overlook things anymore as things became severe. There were times I couldn’t get out of bed or would have to come straight home from work or social events. It would hit me out of the blue – no warning and it would hit HARD!
I worked for doctors for a large part of my life and I began to piece my symptoms together with my limited medical knowledge as well as my gut feelings. My focus came to one of my prior bosses, Dr. M (I will not use her full name) who was an OB/GYN in San Diego I worked for. I remembered patients coming in with similar health issues that I was having. They were diagnosed with cancer. I began to wonder what Dr. M would advise me to do.
In my mind, it was as if I would have a conversation with her and I could hear her voice answering me and advising me. She was telling me to get to a doctor immediately. This was cancer and I needed to move on it before it progressed. She even went so far as to tell me the exact symptoms I needed to relay to my doctor.
When I think of what someone might suggest to me, I don’t try to read their minds, so this response of hearing her talk to me was very peculiar. I decided to look her up so I could call or email her about what was going on and see if she had any advice. I went online to find she had passed, about 10 months prior from cancer.
Of course this freaked me out! It made sense, now, but still freaked me out.
I asked other peers to tap in, view my energy and see if they came to the same conclusion. No one really saw anything. That gave me some relief, but still I had Dr. M, waiting in the wings, giving me caution.
As fate turned out, one morning I woke up in intense pain with what I thought was a bladder infection. I rushed to Urgent Care and they gave me meds for it, but also saw some things that alerted them. I was told to go to my primary care physician.
It usually takes me 3-4 months to get in for an appointment with my GP. Dr. M was there, telling me what to say and urging me to be pushy so I could get into my doc. I actually got an appointment two days after I finished my meds (a RECORD TIME) to see the PA in the doctor’s office. The PA found some issues and said I needed to be seen by an OB/GYN. He wrote me a referral.
Now, if it takes me 3-4 months to see my family doctor, you can only imagine how long it usually takes to schedule with a specialist. But, low and behold, I left my GP’s office, referral in hand, and was able to schedule with the OB/GYN the next week!
Dr. M was with me, helping me make out a list of my symptoms before that first appointment. Test after test followed. An in office biopsy came back negative and yet the symptoms continued. “They aren’t going to find it with that type of test. You have to keep pushing them or they’re not going to get it. Write everything down. Every time something happens, keep track. Log your pain scale,” she told me. And so I did. All of which led me to the next step – exploratory surgery.
Following the hysteroscopy in April, my doctor was so excited to tell me all that she removed during the procedure. As I came out of the anesthesia, she pointed out polyps, cysts and fibroids that had been taken out and told me I’d feel much better. And yet, I still had this uneasiness. I looked around for Dr. M, and she was nowhere to be found.
The call from my doctor came, three days later. First, her nurse called changing the time of my post-op appointment to later in the morning. She gave me the time slot right before lunch time. “Hmmmmm,” I thought to myself. “That’s the time Dr. M would have us schedule people when she had to give them bad news.” It was a fleeting thought that left my mind quickly. Five minutes later, another call came from their office. As I heard my doctor’s voice, Dr. M was right there, standing next to me. She placed a hand over the back of my heart, told me to steady myself as I heard the words, “The pathology report came back and shows you have cancer.”
My world shattered. But Dr. M stayed close by, always watching out for me, giving me insight, and telling me I was going to be okay. She was there in the hospital for the next surgery, every step of the way.
One giant piece of advice Dr. M gave to every one of her patients was to listen to your body. Your body doesn’t lie. That piece of advice I hold onto and I believe it (and Dr. M, of course) saved my life.
We are created to KNOW ourselves – our minds, our bodies and our souls. Never doubt those gut feelings. They come to us for a purpose.
After a hectic morning of dealing with confrontations, stress, and meetings, I took an hour of my day to visit a local park to blow off some steam and reconnect with nature. I always find this so healing and such a great relief and recharge for my soul.
While walking the trails, I noticed six hawks flying high above the horse trails. This was something I’d never witnessed here in all the years I’ve been coming to this park, and I was captivated by the flying patterns of these majestic animals. I continued to watch them for some time until they were shielded from my view by a grove of pine trees I walked under. Three minutes later, they were gone.
Hawks carry great medicine in Native American Shamanism. They are known to hunt in groups and carry distinct symbolism that the Universe is sending a message. It is important to focus, to see things from the higher perspective, to look beyond what’s right in front of you, and to notice the people you surround yourself with.
I pondered this the rest of my walk through the trails, never again noticing the hawks.
On my drive home, I took a different route as I wanted to stop and grab a juice. I was amazed by the beautiful cloud formation that looked like Angel wings hanging in the sky. Driving down the street, I heard, “Change lanes. You’re going to turn right.” I changed lanes and saw the cemetery. “Someone needs your help,” I heard. And for the next few minutes I argued with my guide. I got a case of the yeah buts:
Yeah, but I have so much I need to get done today.
Yeah, but I didn’t get this project finished.
Yeah, but I really don’t have time for this.
I took the turn into the cemetery with a big sigh and resolved that if I’m going to do this, I will do it with all my heart and without reservation. Time doesn’t really exist anyway, right? So, no matter what, everything will get done in divine time.
I asked the Angels to show me where I needed to go and they became my heavenly GPS – turn left, go around this circle, park here.
I got out of the car and as I walked along the tombstones, I could hear a woman shrieking and crying. Her wailing became louder and louder, so much so that I had to pull back my awareness of her. She was dressed in a black dress, had pearls around her neck, shoulder length brown hair and she was in complete misery. I found her leaning over the statue of an Angel sobbing frantically.
Sometimes when a soul becomes earthbound, they are in shock and don’t have the awareness of the light from home. Many don’t understand the concept of their physical death and all they witness is the grief and loss of their loved ones.
I sensed this woman’s name was Mary and I began to speak with her, explaining that I could help her find peace and that the other side would offer her healing and connection with family and friends. Arch Angel Gabriel opened the tunnel of light and I could see the woman’s parents and brother waiting for her. They began to urge her to come with them.
I began to do some energy work to release and lighten the heaviness Mary was carrying and as she felt it she became scared and literally ran away from me. I found her sitting under a tree, rocking back and forth, the tears coming on even harder now.
“You don’t get it. They are sad and miserable because of me. He doesn’t know what to do without me. If I leave and go where you want me to, who is going to keep an eye on them? Who is going to help them through this?” Mary said.
I explained that leaving this space and going home would afford her the luxury and ability to look over her entire family and connect with them on a different level. She could become a guardian for them if she wished and help them through the process on the other side.
It took a few minutes for her to grasp this concept, but she agreed to take the journey home. The tunnel opened, and it was as if a beautiful, golden walkway of light appeared in front of her. My entire body began to vibrate feeling this energy.
And then the strangest thing happened! One by one about ten ducks came up out of the pond, filed in a single line and followed her walk down this path of light. They all stopped once she was received on the other side and returned to the pond.
I’ve assisted in many crossings, but this I’ve never witnessed. Honestly, it was if I was in the middle of some Disney Princess Fairytale.
I stopped for a moment to snap a picture of the fountain in the pond, and began to walk back to the car, a different way this time. I noticed a man, sitting under the trees, in the shade in front of a headstone. I looked a little closer and the name read, “Mary.”
My heart skipped a few beats as I sent this man divine love from my heart to ease his grief. I am grateful I paid attention to the signs around me this morning. Spirit speaks if we take the time to listen, and sometime even when we don’t want to. It’s important to keep the communication lines open, because you never know what gifts are waiting for you.
Step into the loving energy that exists all around us. Remove yourself from the supposed chaos and ask to receive Spirit’s signs. They may appear as hawks, clouds or even ducks, which by the way represent happy marriage. When you are open to receiving messages, the Universe will respond in like kind.
A few days ago, I received a text regarding a man who had passed in the early hours of the morning. The family wanted to make sure that he’d crossed over and was in a good place spiritually.
This man had been in the hospital for some time with severe health issues and his body was declining at a rapid rate. I’d been aware of this situation and the family was prepared for his passing, as much as any of us can prepare to lose a loved one.
As I tapped into his energy that morning, I felt incredible shock and confusion coming from him. This definitely did not feel like a soul on the other side. I could see and sense the hospital surroundings and he presented very much like a person in shock would act after an accident. He wasn’t really aware of what was going on, why he was there, where everyone else was. He was in a frantic state of existence.
Many family members from the other side were trying to plead with him, to calm him down and to coax him over to join them at Home, but they were having no luck.
There were many physical issues he wanted to make sure he NEVER experienced again, and he was having no part of going back to a place where he felt he might forget about this. I connected with his heart and felt the anxiety, concern, and worry. I began to clear the prior imprints of energy connected to illness and dis-ease to lighten his load and help him see through a higher perspective. Once the clearing was complete, his energy changed. It was as if a weight was lifted from his shoulders.
I always call in “back-up” in situations like this, and I am happy to say that members of my back-up team have wings. They include Arch-Angel Raphael and Arch-Angel Jophiel. Both Angels stood beside this man and offered their energy as we tag-teamed the clearing and healing. Once his energy shifted, a beautiful tunnel of light came down through the Heavens (thank you, Arch-Angel Gabriel). Raphael held one hand, while Jophiel grabbed the other, and together they flew this amazing soul up and into the tunnel of light.
It was such a beautiful experience to witness! I’ve never seen such a crossing over before. I was full of tears of joy and so much gratitude for being a very small part of it.
Many times, we can become lost. It’s not because we’re bad, undeserving, or because we have some karmic payback due. This amazing man was just in sensory shock from pain he’d experienced in his physical body and he happened to be at a part of the hospital with some funky, low vibe energy. This caused him to remain earthbound for a short time.
Remember, help is always around us. We have more love and support than we really can fathom. This incredible soul had people on both sides of the veil waiting to bring him comfort and wanting to ensure his safety and good being.
I think if we could truly open up to that concept of the love that is all around us we would never feel lost. We would be “found” in the midst of the light and love that exists for all of us.
How the Past Can Affect Our Present
A few weekends ago, I had the gift and honor of giving past life regression sessions at a local healing center. My day was full of different men and women excited and anxious to connect with prior lifetimes.
People are drawn to this type of work for many reasons. Some come to a session with a pre-conceived intention for clarity regarding a particular issue. Maybe they have a phobia or a deep fear that’s always created blocks in this life or they just want to know why they never want to be around certain places or things. Other people come into a session because they have a powerful draw to geographical locations or timelines in history and wish to see if they’ve lived in those timelines previously. And other clients come to a regression just with a sense of adventure and exploration.
No matter the attraction to this modality, most people sure seem to benefit from the experience in some form or fashion.
A new client came in with the ideal of searching for the core issue of patterned behavior that had become engrained in her. She was admittedly in daily physical pain, her muscles were tight and constricted, and she complained of being a control freak and being prone to severe mood swings. The client also commented that she had a difficult time trusting and that she was always waiting for “the other shoe to drop.”
I honestly love it when people can be so open and honest. I see their vulnerability as a true strength. It’s pure. It’s powerful. It’s honest.
We began the session with her intention and while she was in a trance like state, we began to search. It was very easy to come to the lifetime in question.
Suddenly we were both immersed in the journey of a young girl who befriended a boy of noble birth about her same age. She was a commoner and it was against protocol for them to be connected, but since her family worked for his family, it was accepted as long as the relationship (just a friendship) was not made public. Together the best friends shared their hopes and dreams, played outside together, and took many journeys into each other’s imaginations pondering the future.
These best friends took a walk outside one day, against the wishes of the powers at be, and ended up near a fast-moving river. As they walked, ran, and jumped along the banks, suddenly the young girl lost her footing. As her dear friend pulled her back from the edge, he slipped and was lost in the raging waters. He drowned.
The young girl was heart-broken. She became the center of blame, shame, and loss for the entire community. The nobles wanted her killed for her “crimes” but instead chose to disown their servants, and banned the girl and her family. Her family had worked for the nobles for quite some time and had good standing. Now all that was lost.
This young girl became weighted down by so much responsibility, pain, shame, loss, guilt, and despair. She felt hated by everyone. Her light was drained. She lost the will to live, but instead of expiring she felt duty to her family and worked hard to help support them in their new life.
As we touched on this lifetime and the emotions came forward, my client began to shake and tremble on the table overcome with tears and sadness. It was then that I felt a powerful presence in the room. It was the spirit of the young man who had perished. Her best friend.
He came to her and lovingly put his arms around her and spoke, “Can you see this was not of your making? This is not your fault. You did nothing to harm me. I made my actions of my own mind. I know you had no malicious thoughts of injury towards me. My death was of my own cause. I take responsibility for that. Give your guilt and shame to me, for it is mine to own, not yours. I love you.”
As the client felt this connection, the shakes and trembles faded. The intensity of the restriction and rigidness of her body relaxed. She was given a sense of peace and release. The client could see through the higher perspective that she could not see or feel in that lifetime.
We continued through the rest of the session, clearing, and letting go of false beliefs tied to that lifetime that had bled through into her present life. Many times, when a soul encounters trauma, that vibration can imprint and carry forward in other lifetimes until the imprint is released and healed.
This beautiful, brave woman left the session with a smile on her face. She had a new shine and twinkle in her eyes and a connection in her heart she will always cherish.
The journey of the soul is an adventure full of twists, turns, celebrations, and understandings. When we take the time to see ourselves as a soul, we can access layers of knowledge that have held us back, clear them, and propel ourselves forward.
A Soldier’s Passing
I have days where I sit in my office and question why I ever got into this line of work. Just like anyone else, some days are better than others.
And then there are days like yesterday where I am granted the most beautiful gift of witnessing another soul and playing the role of “go-between” for loved ones on the other side.
A very dear woman came to me for a session as her brother had passed just two days prior. I am familiar with this woman (who I will call JANE to protect her identity) who I’ve had previous sessions with, as well as her brother (I will change his name to FRANK). Jane had consulted with me a few months back about Frank who has serious health issues along with PTSD that started during his service in Vietnam. When I had tapped into Frank’s energy at that time, it was depleted and being drained by several entities he’d picked up during his life, some dating as far back as his military service.
Frank was a sensitive, though he never admitted to it. And I can only imagine what life must have been like to be on the front lines of the Vietnam War and being ordered to do things you never wanted to do, let alone what it would be like for someone who felt energy and emotion so deeply. The nightmares and fear of eternal retribution for Frank drew him to numb out and turn the noise down which resulted in alcoholism.
Thinking logically, which by the way NEVER works with Spirit, I thought that Frank would need some coaxing to cross over. I fully expected him to be earthbound as there was a high level of fear of damnation and hell he had surrounding death. He believed that due to the acts he was forced to commit during the war that God would not welcome him on the other side. Frank believed that he was a bad person and not worthy of God’s love.
Imagine my surprise, shock and wonderment as once our session started, I could feel Frank on the other side. Not only could I feel him, but he was ready to jump on in and communicate with his sister. This is NOT your typical soul! Usually there is a time of energetic acclimation on the other side, and for being there just two days’ time; I was shocked that we could connect so well and so strongly.
He answered his sister’s questions and then led us to the moments of his passing. He explained the tunnel of light and those who showed up in Spirit to escort him over. There at the end of the tunnel stood Jesus, waiting for Frank with open arms. He placed his arms around him and called him, “Brother,” and began to pull the lower energies from his heart. It looked like a vacuum of energy being released as the light around Frank grew brighter and brighter.
Upon this healing release, Jesus led him to a line of other souls waiting for him. Frank was uncomfortable to face them but one by one they each reached for his hands or willingly gave him an embrace as they communicated the message, “I forgive you,” over and over and over again. It was an energetic exchange of love and forgiveness with each soul. Frank had taken each of their lives in the war. It was difficult for him to receive such energy, but with Jesus standing behind him, Frank allowed himself to accept their offering.
Another line of people followed. This time they were soldiers and friends who had passed during the war. He greeted each one with hugs and excitement. The last man standing in this line was a dear friend that Frank felt responsible for his death. He blamed himself for decades for this man’s passing. As the friend came up to Frank, he looked him straight in the eye and said the words, “It wasn’t your fault,” over and over and over again.
Such weight was lifted from Frank’s heart and soul during this process.
I’ve been privy to many crossings, and this one was one that truly drew me to tears. One never knows what the higher perspective REALLY is. We can take the fall, the blame, and internalize feelings of hate and unworthiness. But no matter how WE feel about OURSELVES, there is always someone else that sees the light within us and loves us anyway.
There is forgiveness for those who are open to receiving it. I truly feel the hardest person to forgive is ourselves. I am blessed and honored to have witnessed such a miracle through Frank’s eyes and through his beautiful heart. I am changed forever by this incredible soul.